Emotions – Ken's Heart Wellness Blog

3 Year Anniversary

I haven’t posted in awhile… a year and a half, almost… but today is an important anniversary for me. It has been 20 years since the terror attacks of “9/11” 2001, there is that… and those are important, don’t get me wrong… but I’m writing about something closer to home and personal.

Three years ago today, September 11, 2018, I had my quadruple heart bypass surgery. Oh, and I survived.

I’m still happy about that as my post from early 2019 indicates, my attitude has has not changed.

My heart health is still going fine. I feel better in that regard than I did before the surgery. I still feel very blessed for that. I have other issues such as newly diagnosed arthritis, and I’ve gained back 14 lbs of what I had lost and that bothers me, but the heart is going strong.

Just wanted to pop in and say that. 🙂

…at the end of the tunnel?

No, not quite. The end of the tunnel is nearing, but not attained. Yet. I have achieved a milestone, though, and it’s exciting for me.

For the first time in I believe 18 years I am under 220 lbs. 219.2, to be exact, as of this morning. Yes, it feels good. I’ve been hovering in the low to mid 220s for weeks.

I give a lot of credit to drinking a lot of water (and peeing it out). It seems my better weight loss days coincide with drinking lots of water. Even though I am a soda fiend, sometimes I just want ice cold water.

On the plus side I can see my legs getting skinnier. On the negative side I feel like I’m not losing much of my gut. I’m still needing larger sized shirts so they don’t look all stretched out and when I see photos of myself I still think I look fat.

The numbers, though, are encouraging, so we’ll go with that. 🙂

The Light…

…can be seen at the end of the tunnel. The program is over. We have signed up for an “after” program called Next Steps. It’s more of an emotional support group thing to keep people on track and help them from regressing. I’m enjoying it so far and find it useful and helpful.

As far as weight goes I’m still maintaining, hovering between 229 and 232 lbs. I’m still struggling with “what”, but am doing much better with portion control and frequency, so that’s good.

I guess this is more of a short update. haha As I sat down to write I realized I didn’t have much to say. That might be a good sign.

The Power of the Mind

One week left. Our weight loss program has one week left. Next Thursday the 9th will be our last meeting and the program will be done. With the “new me” looming I sit here with mixed feelings…

It has been well worth the cost and effort. I’ve learned a lot. I’ve lost a significant amount of weight. I’m eating better, overall. I’m eating less. I’m feeling better. I have more energy.
The first half, for me, went great. The second half… hasn’t been a loss (no pun intended)… but I feel like it hasn’t been a success, either. I’ve maintained. Which isn’t bad, but isn’t what I wanted. For example, between the November 21st weigh in and yesterday, with many ups and downs in between, I lost 1.4 lbs.
Per #2 above, that 1.4 lb weight loss could be taken in different ways…
1. – That’s not very much.
2. – You lost weight through the holidays!?! That’s awesome!
3. – I maintained, which was my updated goal due to circumstances, which I will get more into below. So I succeeded.
Now that I’m faced with being “set free” like a bird out of the nest, I suddenly feel uneasy about being on my own. I mean, I’ve been on my own my entire adult life, but things are different now.

I mentioned in my Stress Eating post on September 27, 2019, that my mother’s health has been an issue, and it still is. She’s been in hospice since September, and still is. With some ups and downs, her heath has remained relatively steady. Add to that some really dumbass family drama, and that whole scenario has been lying in the background the whole time.

In October I told all this to my endocrinologist during a routine check-up for the weight loss program, and she said due to the circumstances I should focus on maintaining my weight for the time being and not so much on weight loss. I was ok with that because it seemed reasonable and not overly demanding. So, in that sense, I have been successfully navigating my weight. That’s good, right?

But I don’t feel like it’s good. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been successful overall. With my own set of ups and downs, I’ve been hovering in the 232 to 234 lb range since October, I’ve lost approximately 35 lbs. I should be celebrating, but I don’t feel it. I knew that weight loss slows down after an initial significant weight loss, and my cardiologist adjusted some of my meds because I was beginning to have issues with low blood pressure, which changes one’s weight loss results, too. My goal… maybe ‘hope’ would be better… was to lose 50 lbs, to be solidly in the 210s by now.

The experts would tell me I’m being too negative and I need to focus on the positives… and they’re certainly there… so maybe I need to follow the Captain’s advice in Cool Hand Luke and… get my mind right.

New Discoveries

Things have been mighty… odd… lately. Odd for me, anyway. I’m normally a very steady person, and through everything that’s been going on collectively I’ve maintained my steadiness, but I’m still feeling overwhelmed.

Stress, it turns out, is a much more powerful thing than most people want to think or admit. Who’da thunk it? The older I get the more things become become obvious, things that you grow up denying and claiming you’re above them, but really have a much greater impact on you than you want them to have. And if you stand back and just watch other people, you can see it in them, too. Stress is one of those things.

Anyway, dropping my calculus class was a great decision. I have a Toastmasters event coming up, and was asked to help in a specific role, but I had to turn it down. Right now I feel like I have enough on my plate (no pun intended), and shouldn’t be adding more. Plus, I’m not sure I could have given it the attention it deserves, so it’s best to let someone else do it.

Anyway, the weight loss is treading water right now. I’ve been struggling with cheating. I have a big thing with not making excuses, and when I say I eat irresponsibly due to stress that’s what I feel like I’m doing, making excuses. They say you’re not supposed to do that, but that’s how my mind works.

My dip into the 220s was awesome. As I write this I’m just a tad above 230, but really that’s not bad, so I’ll take it. Last couple days I’ve done better, and feel like I’m getting back on track. I’m getting to where I really like the shakes (as long as they’re made with either cold water or ice). I haven’t made a muffin in probably two months now, but I’m feeling like I’d be ok with them now. In other words, my tastes are fluid and adjusting as I go along, so the moral to this story is: When doing a program of any kind, don’t get too hung up on only one or two things, lest you get burnt out on those and put your entire program in jeopardy.

I think I’ve figured out that sodium is going to be an issue for the rest of my life. That’s a new realization. If I eat a lot of sodium I feel it, achy joints, stiffness, etc. What’s really interesting is that since I’ve been eating better when I do eat something high in sodium I really taste it and it is no longer as appealing to me as it used to be.

That’s it, just random stuff. New realizations. New Discoveries. New knowledge.

Break Through!!!

Yay me! Woohoo! I’m happy. Can you tell I’m happy? I’m happy. To some this may be eye-roll worthy, but to me it’s huge. I’m a little perplexed, but I’ll take it. After three flirtations with breaking the downward 230 lbs barrier, I finally did it this morning.

Honesty Check: Yesterday I had a couple small cheats. I wasn’t expecting much. Maybe even a slight weight gain from the day before. But yesterday wasn’t a throw-away day, either. I ate decently, probably what I might after the program is over, and I did some medium-level exercise last night, so I’m sure that helped. I had been down to 230.6 three times, then would gravitate back up a bit. This last time, yesterday, I was back up to 232.4, and I expected a slight gain, and was not looking forward to stepping on the scale. I was kind of discouraged and dreading it, actually. Weighed myself this morning and… 228.6!!!

A loss of 3.8 lbs. I weighed myself six times to make sure it was right, I wasn’t expecting it.

Now I know they don’t recommend you weigh yourself every day. It’s discouraging they say when you rise a little. The human body does funny and illogical and inconsistent things with weight. I have found in the last couple months that you don’t see the true effects of a bad-eating day until two days later, not necessarily the next day, and if you get yourself right again you won’t see the positive until two days later, as well. But I started weighing daily at the direction of my cardiologist regarding sodium monitoring and it works for me.

I also know that 3.8 lbs in a single day is a lot, maybe an aberration, and my body may “correct” itself and give me 2 lbs back tomorrow, but for now I’ll take it! I broke through the barrier.

A Command Decision has been made!

Think waaaaaaay back to two days ago. When I listed the things that contribute to my stress in relation to eating. Some were bigger than others, but they’re all there. Well, I took a step today to reduce some of my stress. I dropped my Calculus class.

It’s an expensive decision, but it’s the biggest thing that I can control right now, and it was causing a lot of stress by itself. Once I made the decision, I felt relieved. Kind of 😐 at the money down the drain, but relieved nonetheless.

So let’s move forward with a significantly less-cluttered mind. I’m keeping the other class, computer coding, but the calculus will have to wait. I’ll reassess later. In the mean time… 🙂

Kind of interesting how this blog has meandered and evolved from one place to another. I still consider weight loss and everything associated with the original heart health theme.

Stress Eating

Do you believe “stress eating” is a thing? You know, where people basically overeat to cope with stress. It’s actually quite common. I know people who would scoff at this notion, claim the people are just weak and/or making excuses, blah blah blah. I am not one of those people. I have always believed it was legit, I just didn’t think I suffered from it. I eat excessively out of boredom and simply liking good food. I think good food is one of the pleasures of life, so I indulge.

I have other ways of dealing with stress. I sleep. It’s easy. If I’m feeling stressed, or down, or whatever, I go take a nap, sometimes a long nap. I can even stay in bed trying to go back to sleep for hours after I wake up. Sleeping is my escape, literally.

And sleep works well when I’m at home, but I’m not always at home. What do I do when I’m at work or just out and about? Well, now that I’m thinking about it more closely in my weight loss program, and with current life events, I think maybe I do stress eat, albeit only as “Plan B” when there is no bed or bedroom to escape to.

I generally loathe airing my issues to others, but I feel like I have to here so it makes sense to anyone reading. In no particular order, I have going on right now…

My mother’s health issues. She fell and broke her hip a little over a month ago, and was admitted to hospice care just yesterday. She’s 83 and very frail and, well, very ‘close’, if you know what I mean.
School. I’m still going back to school. Two classes this semester, computer coding and calculus. And calculus is kicking my rear end… again.
Work. Work isn’t going badly, not at all, it’s just busy. I have two projects coming to an end and I have 2 or 3 lined up right after that, maybe overlapping. As I always say, “Beats looking for work.”
Toastmasters. I have sporadic duties to keep up with for the District (State of Iowa, basically). This is actually the least of my current obligations, but it’s still one of them.
Routine mundane day-to-day life. Tasks around the house, keeping up with daily life chores, trying to fit in some relaxation and fun, too.

Yeah, that’s it. And as I’m thinking about this more and more, and comparing my binge/cheat eating with my weight loss program… because now it’s more pronounced than normal and easier to compare and measure… I’m starting to see a pattern. I do indeed stress eat, though as ‘Plan B’, as mentioned before.

Virtually all of my stress eating since I started the program has centered around ‘events’ involving my mother. I think that’s affecting me more and deeper than I was aware. The others are somewhat normal for me, this adding a whole new amount of stuff is pushing my stress over the edge. In short, overall I’m feeling very overwhelmed, with a new super-emotional aspect to make it all the more interesting.

I’m still at the plateau, though tomorrow’s weigh in will be interesting, and I’m roughly maintaining, so that’s good. I’m not gaining everything back. This is when I’m supposed to be introducing fruits and vegetables back into my diet, but I might go another week with the more bare bones plan to regain some of my momentum.

The Plateau

Still struggling, though not as bad or as much as I was for awhile. Which is frustrating because I seem to have reached “The Plateau”, that point where you’ve lost the ‘easy’ weight and now have to actually work at it. <full body shudder>

I think I mentioned before that I normally hovered in the 242-ish range. I got down to just over 230… on the edge of the 220s cliff that I wanted to hit for the first time in almost two decades… and I regressed. Shot back up into the upper 230s, then worked my way back down to the low 230s, only to shoot back up to the upper 230s again, which is where I’m at right now.

In the interest of full honesty, I think this last jump is not so much from bad meals (though there were a couple), but rather from stopping watching my sodium and missing a few days of my water pills. Apparently even with losing weight I still need to watch my sodium intake and take my pills and squeeze as much water out as I can.

There’s also been some family heath issues that have been weighing heavily, no pun intended. I am not a stress eater, per se, but there were times where I’ve figuratively thrown up my hands and thought, “Screw it. I’m eating.”

On the positive side, in the work category, I’ve started exercising again. The treadmill a couple times in the last week, for about 40 minutes at a time. Put on a good Alice Cooper concert DVD and off I go!

Another positive aspect is that, today whenever I looked in the mirror, I swear I looked visibly thinner than I have in years. I got kinda giddy every time I saw myself. This matches what a friend told me several days ago, she told me it was visible in my face, my face was thinner. The numbers notwithstanding, I can feel it, I feel good.

My View on Ken’s Sodium Struggle

It has been hard to watch Ken with this latest frustration. He is the heaviest he has ever been and it is water. He knows this, but it doesn’t make it feel any better when you don’t fit in your clothes. He cuts out a lot of sodium foods. Still nothing budges. I see how frustrated he is and can do nothing but encourage and pray.

This is something I have not had too much experience with. I have high blood pressure so I don’t add salt myself. I just have never had the water weight like this. I continue to support and do my best. I just know we will get past it. One more trial that we will win!